honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
