I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he thought i was a dude.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
