Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
