I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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