i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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