you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
