even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
