I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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