he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
