i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
