Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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