Well apparently he's into motor boating.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
