Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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