he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
