While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
