Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
