If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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