Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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