And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
