It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
