If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
