So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
