i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
