What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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