well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
