You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
