Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
