Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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