I wish my penis had an off switch
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
