This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
