If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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