why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
