Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
