I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I cockslap morals
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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