I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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