Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
