38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
