meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
