I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
