I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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