her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
