I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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