i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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