what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
