did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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