There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
