The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
