i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
