I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize