If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
