You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
